I just need a break

This has been just an awful week. Seriously, I’m not sure what else could do wrong. Monday was great, worked out, ate right, got my house put back together from the weekend. I felt great.

Boom!

Early Tuesday morning I got hit with some SERIOUS food poisoning. Well, to be honest I found out a couple days later that the *new coconut oil hair mask that I had put on late Monday night did NOT agree with my body. So even though I did not technically *eat coconut oil, I still claim it as food poisoning. And seriously the worst I have ever had. Two full days of sickness and still today, on day 4, I am not fully back to normal. Never again.

Since I work from home I didn’t take any time off, thankfully the days were slow. But put together three little kids, one very sick mama and trying to keep my house afloat while working and that in and of itself was rough.

I also spent hours Wednesday (still sick) putting together 150+ items I had to sell this week at a local (ok, it was almost an hour away, so not nearly as “local” as I would have liked) consignment sale. Tagging, cleaning, hanging – it took forever. Then I had to load my kids up, load up all my items and drive an hour ONE WAY through traffic to drop them off. (This consignment sale was only happening this week or else I would have totally just not cared)

Thursday I had tickets to take my kids to Disney on Ice (more on that fun adventure to come) but also wanted to then do some shopping at the above mentioned consignment sale so Thursday was chaotic. Plus, my kids who usually go to bed between 7:30 and 8 didn’t get to sleep until after 10. So fun.

Oh yeah, and my sister-in-law (my husband’s oldest brother’s wife, who I used to be the closest with on his side of the family) every few weeks likes to send me articles or scriptures or conference talks about how I’m going to hell because I am divorcing my husband. Or that when he remarries that he will be committing adultery and it will by MY fault because I am the one who initiated this divorce. She apparently felt inclined to do so again this week. She’s lots of fun

(Side note, I DO NOT believe anything she tries to spew at me. She’s in a very abusive and addictive marriage and I honestly believe she’s doing the best she can to survive. Accepting that I am justified to leave my marriage would ultimately make her have to take a honest look at hers. That is a REALLY hard thing to do when you’re a LDS wife of an abusive sex addict. This does not mean I excuse the way she now treats me OR that I have to let it in my life, but I can understand where she’s coming from, I’ve been there before too.)

Than today is Friday. Let me tell you why Friday, March 10th is such a significant day.

March 10th 2016 was the day my husband (yes, we’re still married, stupid divorce process) let. He had new orders with the military and I had told him I was not ready to move with him until I saw that he was serious about working recovery (I’ll write more on that later). I had told him I needed a separation. He was super mad and actually did not speak to me for the entire next week. Addiction mode.

March 10th 2016 was also my oldest son’s parent day presentation in preschool. Now I know that isn’t a super big deal BUT my husband had been deployed for the 6.5 months prior to this and had missed every other school event of our 4 year old. His presentation that day was at 10am. My husband decided to leave at 4am that morning. Why? So he could earn his per diem allowance the military gave him when traveling.

So this is the the part that REALLY irritates me. He drove all the way across the country. The military gave him UP TO 6 days of travel time that would be reimbursed. So what did he do? He did the entire drive in THREE days and spent the last THREE days sitting on his sick friend’s couch “earning his damn per diem”. (I promise I don’t usually swear, trauma moments seem to bring it out in me!) He chose to leave on the early morning of the 10th, missing being present for his son’s presentation all for roughly $82. Now we were not hurting for money. We have never, our entire marriage, had debt. We had a very generous savings at the time. There was no “need” to make that pocket change. He did it because of his addiction. Because he is a narcissist. Because he honestly believes he does not have to give anything to anyone else in his life and there will be no consequences. He believes he can neglect, abuse (emotionally) and ignore his family and we would always be around.

He still believes this. But shortly after March 10th, 2016 I was done with the abuse, the addiction, the dishonestly and the complete unwillingness to change, on his part.

So March 10th is the anniversary of the last day I was living with my husband before it all ended. It’s been an emotional day.

And to top it all off…..my boss called me this morning to tell me I’m on probation. He is giving me a “test” next week to see if I actually am proficient enough to keep on the company payroll. I’ve cried about this all day. I honestly feel like I am doing the best I possibly can. Trauma, single-parenthood, divorce, regular stress and just the messiness of my life makes life HARD. I am trying though! I am trying SO HARD. But that’s what is the hardest part of this “test”. I honestly do feel like I am doing my best, and that’s obviously not enough.

To night I numbed out with Cafe Rio and cookies from the Sweet Tooth Fairy.

I don’t want to do this any more. The entire reason I am dealing with ALL this stupid mess in my life right now (aside from the coconut oil, I’ll take blame for that!) is because of my husband. The reason I have to worry about finding work and financially providing for my children – because of my husband. The fact that I may have to put my kids in daycare and let someone else raise them while I work full time (breaks my heart) – because of him. The reason I am spending all my savings on a stupid trial that I will win in the end regardless – because of him. All the trauma, tears, pain and utter destruction of my life and my world as I knew it – because of him.

Some days, or weeks, just seem so hard. SO unfair. So Impossible. I feel like I am at my breaking point. I don’t know what more I can do. I cannot do this life alone. And yet I feel so very alone in it all.

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