The weight of possibly (probably?!?) losing my job this week has been heavy on my heart and mind the last couple of days. I have never not succeeded at a job. I have been promoted to management positions quickly, mastered my skill, excelled and managed my time well within the framework of my jobs in the past. So the fact that my boss thinks I’m “not getting it” fast enough is so frustrating and demotivating. I have never been let go from a job.
To top that off the stakes are so much higher with this job then ever in the past. I am now the sole provider of my three young kids. I desperately want to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids. It’s really the only job I’ve ever longed to do. I don’t want to have to give that up because of the choices of my soon-to-be-ex’s choices. I should not have to experience that consequence because of him.
I feel like throughout this entire journey of discovering my husband’s double life, everything falling apart, deployments, deception, separation and trying to rebuild my life that God has truly been in the details of this process. I have clearly seen Him guiding me through my healing process. Guiding me to where I should live, people who could help with my kids and giving me the resources and friendships in my life that I needed to anchor myself during this trail.
I have also really felt that He guided me to getting this job. It literally fell into my lap over a weekend about 6 months ago. It has been such a huge blessing. I could see how jobs I had in the past helped prepare me for this. My schedule was such that I could still be a mom. I felt it was really a perfect set up to be able to support my little family long-term.
But working and raising three kids and doing everything that is required to run a household is hard. It has been really challenging to juggle all these things in my life. When this juggling act seemed completely overwhelming late December of last year my boss reached out and offered me to switch from working afternoons to working mornings. This was such a huge blessing that I didn’t know I needed until it was handed to me. I felt that God had given me this extra help to balance all the things I have in my life.
Lately the balancing act has seemed really challenging again. Trauma has sent me spinning again (grrr!) and just handling all the everyday parenting things, household things and a job has been rough. I honestly have not known how to do it all most of the time.
But I have to have an income. Working is not some luxury I can delete if life seems too busy. I have a small amount of savings and a small child support payment coming in monthly but that is not enough to sustain us long-term.
And I think that is what has really been the root of all this stress and worry about losing my job. I have to work. I believe God led me to this job. I pray all the time for help managing my job and my family. So why am I quit possibly being “let go” this week? How am I supposed to do this reality? I feel very much led to end my marriage. I feel like that is the right path for me and I believe God has helped me so much all along the way. So where is He now?
I feel like this is a test of faith. I like having all my ducks in a row, I like having a plan and seeing how everything will work out. Faith isn’t really like that. Faith is taking the first step into the dark trusting that God will provide something for your feet to land on. I feel like faith to truly separate from my husband has been almost easy. My marriage was so emotionally abusive and toxic that leaving allowed me to breath finally. Plus, I had savings from the sale on our house to live off of. I still have some of that but it’s going fast with legal fees and daily expenses. This is really the first step I am being asked to take without a known cushion to land on.
I don’t know what my future looks like if I lose this job. How do I get another job? How do I ever move somewhere new to build a fresh start? How do I support my kids while still staying home with them? This feels so scary. And yet I feel like God is asking me to trust Him. To remember the faith I have had in the past and put that faith in the future. It’s hard. I want to do that but it feels so unsettling.
So that is what I am going to try to do this week. I am being monitored at work the next three days and I’m assuming I’ll know by Thursday if I still have this job. I am choosing to surrender this to God. I honestly feel like I have done my best with this job. I will trust if God is not making up the difference I need to succeed at this job that He will provide something better. And I will take the first step into the dark.