The call I knew was coming came late Friday afternoon. Nothing personal about me and he hated to be doing this given my situation (pending divorce, needing to be the breadwinner in my little family) but I simply wasn’t the right fit for this company at this time. I knew it was coming and thankfully had thought through what my response would be. I think I handled it with grace.
Part of me was, and is, so relieved that I don’t have to wake up for work every morning, that I don’t have to continue to stress about learning a job that demands my undivided attention when that just isn’t something I can give 100% of the time with three young kids running through the house. I have felt so relieved to “just be a mom” again, even if only for a little while. I love being a mom, it’s what I’ve always wanted to be and I really hate the fact that someone else’s choices has caused me to have to work. It’s hard trying to do it all.
The other part of me knows I can’t live off of savings and child support forever. This is my new lot in life and being both a mom and the financial support for my kids isn’t optional. But at least for now, it’s more of a relief than a disappointment to be “done” working.
I feel like having a week to prepare, mentally, was really a gift. I felt angry, frustrated, relieved and finally a lot of peace when I finally got the official word on Friday.
Later that night this scripture from the book of Job came to my mind (I don’t believe in coincidences, I am more of the mindset of tender mercies of God).
“The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord” -Job 1: 21
I know, without a doubt, that this job was given to me as an answer to prayer. God gaveth.
And I also know, when I prayed last week and told God my life was unmanageable, asking Him to help me to carry this load that is now mine, that this was His answer. I needed to be done with this job. God taketh away.
Life was unmanageable. I simply could not carry on as I was. I thought the answer to this was to help me work harder, manager my home wiser, take care of my responsibilities easier. But that wasn’t what I truly needed. I don’t know why I tend to think my way is the best and try so hard to push it on God for so long before stepping back and surrendering to His will. It always works out better. I think that’s one of my character traits/defects that I will work on the rest of my life. Getting out of my own way and truly trusting God with everything.
I have felt such peace these last few days. I feel like I can finally get caught up with my life, my home, me. I can enjoy this time with my kids and not feel rushed or stressed about trying to do it all. I know God will provide, just as He always has. He lead me to this place in my life. I know that I needed to leave an abusive and addictive marriage, that I need to raise my kids outside of that damaging, dysfunctional family system. God has lead me to exactly where I am today. And He will not abandon me now. He will provide the next step forward as I place my faith and trust in Him. Blessed be the name of God.
(I little side note, I think that sometimes God must have a sense of humor. I think it’s no coincidence that the scripture I was lead to is Job in the Bible. Which word is also job in the English language 😉 )